Stopping for directions, need to get back on the road to enlightenment.

I have been on this journey and now I think I'm lost.  The map is not as clear and it is really old.  

These dang Desires keep getting in my way and push me of course.

Peace Out!

                                Wishing all you lovely peeps a fantastic weekend.  Enjoy, Heidi

                                                                Found on WeHeartIt.

Store Hours

Burton is such a sleepy town.  If you are looking for a slower pace, Burton is as slow as molasses in the winter time.  It's a good thing really, but lately my store's hours are looking a little like the one's below.
 Enjoy, Heidi

Thank You Easter Bunny.

Happy Easter, Happy Spring, Happy Fall, Happy_______.  You fill in the blank.  Peace out, Heidi

                                   Found Here


    

Happy April Fools Day!

Hope you get a kick out of the products I found for you today.  Enjoy, Heidi

Candelabra birthday candles by Urban Outfitters

Brush you teeth with cat or dog vomit, twice a day.

Blow bubbles as you scrub your pots.

A clock that knits while keeping time.  Found here

Wall tentacle           Found Here

A bus for your cat.

Guess What?  Chicken Butt! shirt.              Found Here   

Porcelain cans

I don't have words.

Brass knuckles for the crazy bride.

Cactus chair

Door mat  that complements you.

Gift complaint form.  found here.   I should get this for my brother, his birthday is today.

Barbie Boob necklace.

Urban Outfitters

theft prevention Sandwich bag  by Urban outfitters

Yeah! It's the Weekend.

This is so much fun.  Happy weekend to you all.                                    Video via Kia

Make me laugh, it's Monday.

                                          Unknown Origin

Happy Hallow's Eve

                                                    The Cat Take-Over 



                                      Flickr



                                                                  Chicha and Jo


                                                    Heidi Kenney


                                    Shelter Pop


make your own decals with packing tape.  Via How about Orange


                                 Flamingo Pink


Bottled juice drink hidden inside.  Fun.       Via One charming party

Cozy Kitties

This one goes out to all my bloggy friends that are in the middle of winter. 

Thinking of you, stay cozy and warm. 

 Enjoy, Heidi

Image Unknown

It's a Laugh till you Cry, Monday. "Ladies Restroom"

Flickr

You may need to stop at the women's restroom . . . be prepared!

When you have to visit a public bathroom, you usually find a line of women, so you smile politely and take your place. Once it's your turn, you check for feet under the stall doors. Every stall is occupied.

Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the stall.

You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't matter the wait has been so long you are about to wet your pants! The dispenser for the modern "seat covers" (invented by someone's Mom, no doubt) is handy, but empty. You would hang your purse on the door hook, if there was one, but there isn't -

so you carefully, but quickly drape it around your neck, (Mom would turn over in her grave if you put it on the FLOOR), yank down your pants, and assume " The Stance."

In this position your aging, toneless thigh muscles begin to shake You'd love to sit down, but you certainly hadn't taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold "The Stance."

To take your mind off your trembling thighs, you reach for what you discover to be the empty toilet paper dispenser. In your mind, you can hear your mother's voice saying, "Honey, if you had tried to clean the seat, you would have KNOWN there was no toilet paper!" Your thighs shake more.

You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday - the one that's still in your purse. (Oh yeah, the purse around your neck, that now, you have to hold up trying not to strangle yourself at the same time).. That would have to do. You crumple it in the puffiest way possible.

It's still smaller than your thumbnail ..

Someone pushes your door open because the latch doesn't work. The door hits your purse, which is hanging around your neck in front of your chest, and you and your purse topple backward against the tank of the toilet. "Occupied!" you scream, as you reach for the door, dropping your precious, tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle on the floor, lose your footing altogether, and slide down directly onto the TOILET SEAT. It is wet of course. You bolt up, knowing all too well that it's too late.. Your bare bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ and life form on the uncovered seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper - not that there was any, even if you had taken time to try. You know that your mother would be utterly appalled if she knew, because, you're certain her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat because, frankly, dear, "You just don't KNOW what kind of diseases you could get."

By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes, propelling a stream of water like a fire hose against the inside of the bowl that sprays a fine mist of water that covers your butt and runs down your legs and into your shoes. The flush somehow sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto the empty toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in too.

At this point, you give up. You're soaked by the spewing water and the wet toilet seat.. You're exhausted. You try to wipe with a gum wrapper you found in your pocket and then

slink out inconspicuously to the sinks.

You can't figure out how to operate the faucets with the automatic sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past the line of women still waiting.

You are no longer able to smile politely to them. A kind soul at the very end of the line points out a piece of toilet paper trailing from your shoe. (Where was that when you NEEDED it??) You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it in the woman's hand and tell her warmly, "Here, you just might need this."

As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has long since entered, used, and left the men's restroom. Annoyed, he asks, "What took you so long, and why is your purse hanging around your neck?"

This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal with a public restrooms (rest??? you've GOT to be kidding!!). It finally explains to the men what really does take us so long... It also answers their other commonly asked questions about why women go to the restroom in pairs. It's so the other gal can hold the door, hang onto your purse and hand you Kleenex under the door!

My Neighbor Emailed this to me, I hope you all are crying and you sides ache(a real good laugh will do that)

Enjoy, Heidi

A Jellyfish Bad Day.

If you're having a bad day, then you really should read this and ask yourself if it can top a Jellyfish Bad Day. If you're not having a bad day, but just need a good laugh, then read this. Just read it, ok? But make sure you peed first. Enjoy, Heidi Image via Etsy, Petite Paperie.

Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana. He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is and email he sent to his sister. She then sent it to radio station 103.2 in Ft. Wayne, Indiana, who were sponsoring a worst job experience contest. Needless to say, she won.

Hi Sue,Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all. Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wet suit. This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wet suit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi. Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my butt started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now, since I don't have any hair on my back the jellyfish couldn't stick to it. However, the crack of my butt was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my butt. I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically. Needless to say, I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make 3 agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling 35 minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet. As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't poop for two days because my butt was swollen shut. So next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt.

Now whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself, is this a jellyfish bad day?

How To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity.

Image via Here.

How to maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom.. Don't Disguise Your Voice!

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries with that.

4. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks . Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.

5. In the Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write ' For Marijuana'

6. Skip down the hall Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get.

7. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

8. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go'.

9. Sing Along At The Opera.

10. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You have a headache...

11. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won! I Won!'

12. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot, Yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'

13. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, 'Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'

Hope you enjoyed this, have a great day. Heidi

Via an email someone sent me.

I love Target. My husband, not so much. Funny story.

This was found on a wonderful blog called, Beautiful Living. Enjoy, Heidi

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target store. Dear Mrs.Samsel, Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Samsel, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away! This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

9 September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it asa mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 13. Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, He yelled, PICK ME, PICK ME.

14. October 21. When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least:

15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while; then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here. 'One of the clerks passed out.

Leave a message on the machine, not with my husband.

Image via an email my friend sent me.

You're not having a hot flash, you're in Texas.

Image via Flickr.

You Know You Are In Texas If. . .

• 
  
  The birds have to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground.


• 
  
  The trees are whistling for the dogs.


• 
  
  The best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.


• 
  
  Hot water now comes out of both taps.


• 
  
  You can make sun tea instantly.


• 
  
  You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron.


• 
  
  The temperature drops below 95 and you feel a little chilly.


• 
  
  You discover that in July it only takes 2 fingers to steer your car.


• 
  
  You discover that you can get sunburned through your car window.


• 
  
  You actually burn your hand opening the car door.


• 
  
  You break into a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m.


• 
  
  Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?"


• 
  
  You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.


• 
  
  The potatoes cook underground, so all you have to do is pull one out and add butter, salt and pepper.


• 
  
  Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying boiled eggs.
  
• 
  
  The cows are giving evaporated milk.
  

To my Aussie friends this may apply to you as well. Heidi

The first week of a workout routine. (Very funny story)

I received this in an email today and when I read it I laughed till I cried and my side hurt, that tells you right there that I am out of shape. So grab a tissue and make sure you have peed, it's extremely funny. Enjoy, Heidi

WEEK AT THE GYM
If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine.
Dear Diary,
For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.
Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.
I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.
My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
________________________________
MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She is something of a Greek goddess - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!
Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!
Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!
________________________________
TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT-!! It's a whole new life for me.
_______________________________
WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.
Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and w hen she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.
My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other shit too.
_______________________________
THURSDAY:
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late - it took me that long to tie my shoes.
Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. She sent another skinny bitch to find me.
Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.
_______________________________
FRIDAY:
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. < /div>
Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the damn barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
________________________________
SATURDAY:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up to day. Just hearing her voice made me want to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.
________________________________
SUNDAY:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my daughter (the little shit) will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!